User Profile

The purpose of this journal is to attempt to undo the damage that's been done by 43 years of unresolved grief.

Every human being suffers loss. EVERY human being suffers loss, and therefore, every human being suffers grief. We don't always think of it that way, but if you've ever endured the death of a loved one, the loss of a marriage to divorce, the ending of a relationship, the passing of a beloved pet, a downsizing, a chronic illness, a miscarriage or infertility issue, a geographic move, a significant lifestyle change (even one for the better), the growing up and leaving home of a child...then you've suffered loss, and you have therefore suffered grief, and that grief is absolutely justified.

The problem is that the majority of us are rank amateurs when it comes to handling it, as are those around us who, as amateur and clueless as WE are, attempt to counsel us in our own handling of that loss and grief. We begin suffering loss when we're small, and most of us never progress past that infantile way of handling it--because others stuck in their OWN inability to handle grief like an adult are the ones who are with us as we journey through it, and attempt to comfort us and teach us how to cope.

As a result, some of us never get through it.

And it isn't anyone's fault, because those who hurt us with their ineptitude are those who are still hurt by the ineptitude of those whose suffering of OTHER'S ineptitude hurt THEM. The inability to feel and process this very human experience is one of the legacies of modern life, where everyone is concerned with keeping things neat, tidy, under control and sanitary. Dealing with grief is far too dirty a business to have been an accepted life skill in the modern world.

Unresolved grief can result in chronic depression, PTSD symptoms, substance abuse, hostility and anger, an inability to concentrate, isolation, anxiety, an unwillingness or inability to connect to other people, suicidal feelings and ideations, self-harm and any number of other issues that cause us pain, hold us back, and keep us from living fully.

Getting past that--FINALLY--is what this journal is all about. It will include links to helpful articles, personal experiences and anecdotes, struggles, honest feelings and thoughts, both random and systematic. The tactics used in this journal will include what cognitive therapists call "flooding"--which means that the whole purpose is to delve to the very bottom of personal history, memory, and feelings, without fear or censorship, in the attempt to explore those things to the point of sensitization, so that pain and grief no longer have control, and release into joy is possible.

This journal is, necessarily, Friends Only, and friends are going to be carefully selected, because one of the things I've learned from grief is that it is often a friend who can do the most unintentional harm--or intentional harm, when they decide they don't want to be friends anymore. Because a "friend" once accused me of "digging up the dead boyfriend" when I was upset (not being bright enough to grok that it may very well have been the "dead boyfriend" that caused me to BE upset, and that those feelings were valid) as a ploy to manipulate people's actions and feelings, I'm not altogether comfortable with letting a lot of people in here, because what this journal is about is HEALING, not being a bore and not dealing with other people's judgment. It's those very judgments and the fear of being intolerable that have made me incapable of healing and letting go before now, and allowing it here would be counterproductive to my personal evolution out of grief.

Nine out of ten people will tell you that one of the most painful things about grief, and one of the things that make it almost impossible to let it go and grow past it, is not being able to talk about it. And ever since the "digging up the dead boyfriend" remark, I have not felt comfortable talking about it in public, and therefore, my process has been disrupted, and I have stopped healing.

That's going to end--today.

I would imagine that making these posts public could also be very triggering, so my expectation is that it might not be GOOD for a lot of people to be here, for their own wellbeing. I respect your timetable, and I respect your coping mechanisms--you don't have to be here to be my friend, and my expectation is that you take care of YOU.

And if that means I'm in here all alone, then that's OK with me.

If you DO decide to opt in, there are some necessary rules involved--ones which are approved and used by trained grief counselors, and that are required for the process to work.

1. Invalidating ANY feeling, reaction or response to loss--my own or anyone else's--is absolutely forbidden, and will be deleted. And if we're lucky, it will be deleted unread.

2. Please avoid cliche. Loss is not "God's will", and talk of "at least they had a good life", "thank god they're no longer suffering", "they're in a better place now", "you need to let this go and get over it", "your life will go on--it's not the end of the world" or anything even vaguely resembling those expressions and ideas will NOT be tolerated. Those sentiments, while well meaning, are hurtful, invalidating and guilt inducing, and not acceptable. Also not helpful are sentences which begin with the words "you should", "you have to" and "someday, you will".

3. I'm not going to censor my grief, or attempt to make it socially acceptable. Defining our grief process by what is and what is not "polite" and "considerate" is what keeps us stuck in our struggle with grief, and what isolates us in society because we don't talk about what we're feeling, out of consideration for others. I know that I've spent a lot of time worried about whether or not expressions of grief would be "taken the wrong way" in my other journal--I'm not going to worry about that here. Here be shadows, and you are duly warned. Don't opt in if you can't handle it.

4. This is my process, but I understand that there are others (EVERYONE, in fact) who experience the process as well. Your process is your own, and valid, and will be accepted and respected here, without question, should you decide to share it. And there is no loss that will be diminished here, whether it be a loss through death, the loss of a pet, the loss of a job... There are no degrees of loss except those which we define for ourselves, and there is no such thing as an unimportant grieving.

5. This is safe space. There will be no flaming, no giving of unsolicited advice (while sharing of personal experience is always welcome), and no diminishing or invalidating of any feelings. Should that happen, prepare to be deleted and banned.

If you can face the above rules, and the feelings included herein, in the spirit of joy, and healing and the affirmation of life, then welcome. If not, then meet me over at anahata56, where we'll still have a lot of fun and share a lot of great recipes!

This blog is dedicated to scribe_, who taught me about grief, and to gunhed, who taught me how to begin to let go.